i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
