Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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