you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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