in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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