I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
