Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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