we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
