then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Couch. On fire.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
