Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
