I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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