I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
