he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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