we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
