Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
