If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
