Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
