So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We're like a lot better than the average bears
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
