Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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