Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
