my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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