can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Screwed.edu
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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