my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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