the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
