She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
