Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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