his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
