I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
