Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
