I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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