if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
