Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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