There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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