Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
