Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
