i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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