how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
