toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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