you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
