This is not my ceiling
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I want her autograph on my taint
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
