Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
