my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
