Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
