Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
drinking out of a sandbucket again
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
