Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
