Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize