I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
