I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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