i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
