no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
