New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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