The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
