Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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