I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
