I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I could fuck to npr.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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