sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
