Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
