Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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