she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
