she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
