Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
