And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
