Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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