She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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