Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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