My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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