yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
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