I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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