About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
