apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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