So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
