so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
