I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
