you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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