I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
