I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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