I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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