eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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